Leaves Are Singing

Effort

Okay I’m gonna really try to write a decent entry! I’ve just been feeling pretty down lately and whenever I wanna write it seems I have a lack of energy. This sort of applies to most areas of my life.

I didn’t get up this morning. I couldn’t believe it. I forgot to set my alarms and woke up after 1pm. Oops. Was a bit sad because the guy had sent a lovely, sexy email and by the time I read it and replied to it he was off with his day. Boo.

My day started with (not Farmville!) cleaning my fridge. I’m a pretty damn lazy chick and there’ve been gross puddles of leaked Coke and crumbs on the shelves for months. Possibly years. Oh, I lied. It started with dishes. I had a bit of an ant invasion during the week and didn’t have time to clean it up, so I did that. Dishes were covered in them, too. Looks very nice now though. While I had the soapy water out I decided to do the fridge ‘cause there’s a huge sticker inside of it that says only clean it with soapy water. Tick. I have no food now.

New paragraph. I have no food now. I chucked out anything that had expired (jam, sad) and any leftover takeout food. I should do this with the freezer and pantry as well. It’s only been a couple of days but I’ve been eating a bit better. It’s tough. All I know is Coke and takeout. I haven’t cooked yet ‘cause I’m scared to. I’m scared to go to the supermarket and make decisions. I don’t know how to cook so how the heck do I choose what to get? Anyway, there’s a great sushi place near school and they sell these yummy bowls of stuff for $5. I’ve had a couple of those and then for dinner I’ve had a frozen meal. I think I need to stop forgetting to eat. It gets to the point of I’m starving but lazy/busy so I end up forgetting. And I haven’t had Coke! Just water. I’m secretly doing a month of healthy. Was gonna start on Wednesday and do 12th - 12th since we go away on the 13th. But I didn’t. Started Thursday. Just need to incorporate my leering gym membership now.

School’s stressful. I missed the studio project deadline. I really tried in the days leading up to it but it wasn’t enough. I dunno where that surge of motivation came from. I’m still feeling it a little bit as we just have two weeks left and I have a lot to do, but today I did nothing. My tutor keeps going on about handing stuff in and I’m finally really trying my hardest to get it all done. Him going on about it constantly makes it harder though. It minimises my motivation. It makes me feel shitty. I’m determined to get it done though.

What else did I do today…I played Farmville after I cleaned up the kitchen. I’m not over it exactly but with school and needing to start with the moving stuff I don’t have the energy to get it done. They want you to grow heaps of shit to earn medals, help Walter with a bunch of tasks, train a damn horse, get cowbells…It’s never-ending, you know?

A and I have been in a tough spot lately. I was so heartbroken that it happened so quickly. Few weeks of absolutely amazingness and then, not. I was still fine but he started feeling iffy and scared. He doesn’t wanna be in an online relationship and he’s scared I’m gonna hurt him. By leaving I guess. I get it, it sucks. I don’t wanna be doing stuff long-distance either. I think we need to do it though. It’s about three months until I get to Perth. We need to make this effort in this crappy situation for just that little amount of time, and then it’s over. We can do things right and be happier.

I actually had quite a bad day today. His being scared has led to a distance between us. We talked it out last night and I think it’s gonna be better now, at least a little. But this distance has led to fear in me. He cheated on me a long time ago, and he’s sort of played around with me much more recently. It’s the only hesitation I have with him. I wanna be like, “Yep, it was a long time ago, let’s move on. And he only messes around with me, ‘cause we’re different together.” I just don’t know. I’m freaking out because I’m moving to Perth and I wanna be with him when I’m there. But like…it’s so bloody scary because I don’t know if this is gonna happen again.

I think that’s the thing though. I don’t know. I can’t say no he’s not gonna do it and I can’t say yes he is gonna do it. I do think we’re different together though, we’re strong, we’re special. I think as long as we’re happy and trying, it’ll be fine. The only time I worry about it is when we’re not doing so well. That’s been when he’s played around. I feel a bit of pressure to be perfect all the time though so he doesn’t feel a need to look around. I don’t wanna feel that. I wanna feel like even if we have a bad day or a bad week he’s not gonna try to distract himself with other girls.

I wish I didn’t think like this. I spent most of today really upset about it. I’m alright now, I think it’s stupid to think about the what-if kind of stuff. When it’s bad anyway. I need to work on myself, become more confident in who I am, because that’s probably a big part of it. I feel like I’m not enough. I’m not there and I’m ugly and yeah. I just wanna be me, and have that be alright, be enough.

We aren’t in a relationship yet. I’m totally fine with whatever. He can say he loves me, or not. We can Skype, or not. I’ve been kind of crap this week ‘cause he’s been distant and I like to talk shit out rather than let it go on, but yeah. I still feel mostly carefree and good about us. I wish there was an easy way to get past the crappy stuff. I wish he wasn’t scared of me leaving, I wish I wasn’t scared of him cheating. Not that it would be cheating I guess. Ew.

I’m starting with melatonin tonight. Gonna take it around midnight ‘cause I need to get up around 8:30. Got a couple of hours to watch some TV shows or a movie.

EDIT: I think I might have said this already but I can’t remember. My memory gets even worse with Tumblr. I’m getting so close to the time when I need to start sorting stuff out for Perth and I’m getting really scared. Crystal ball please?

EDIT: This sucks. For a while now he’s been just disappearing for hours which I’m generally okay with, he needs to do his own stuff. Finding out he’s still been communicating with anyone but me is the shit part. I don’t get it. He says he’ll try but doesn’t, or has a weird way of trying. I just need him to make an effort now because I need something to actually stay for, you know? To move for. Otherwise when I have moved there won’t be a chance. This is just totally crap. I wish I was the one who cared less. Not really. Wouldn’t hurt so much though. He said he was scared of my rejection so he just constantly rejects me? Sucks.

Kablah

How I feel. Lately I just haven’t been feeling it. Going to school is hard, doing my work is hard, writing is hard…The only thing that isn’t hard is eating. Which I’m doing a lot of. Really bad considering I just rejoined the gym on Tuesday (and haven’t been yet). Biting my nails a lot more than usual, too. At times they even grow a little bit ‘cause I’m stress-free but hell no lately.

Over the week or whatever since I last posted I’ve had heaps of shit to write about. Started entries a few times. I don’t even get past the title stage.

Oh my God, I just need a rest. Fuck writing.

Past 6AM

I’m very, very sleepy right now. Like, A has gone to sleep after a semi-late night and I’m four hours ahead of him. While watching The Eye and Paranormal Activity 3 (my first Paranormal Activity) upstairs with my sister I was checking out Clients From Hell. It linked me to Karen Kavett’s YouTube channel and I’ve been watching random vids for a couple of hours. I’m inspired by her. She does freelance graphic design, does DIY stuff for her place, decorates…I don’t think I’ll ever be up for YouTube but the other stuff sounds nice.

While at the petrol station today I bought the June issue of Cosmo. Oops. I’m so torn when it comes to that mag. I’m really behind on it because of that, too. I’m at least a year behind, if not 1.5 years. A while ago I just started to notice that even though they have plenty of articles on self-love etc. they promote finding a man like crazy. You know, I love A a lot and would be so happy to be with him, but I’ve been single for like four years and 99% good with it. It’s like their message is, “Be happy while you’re single, but always try to not be single.” It’s not something I agree with at all. If I was single for the rest of my life I’d be okay with that. Except for the sex thing. Yeah. So I stopped reading it so much. It sucks ‘cause my relationship with it started in June 2004, so it’s lasted longer than most of my relationships with humans.

I dunno what I’m gonna do with all my stuff now. I might do a little shipment of things when I’m settled over there. There’s a lot I can definitely get rid of, but there’s a lot more I wanna keep than I thought there’d be. And just thinking about household items, sheets and kitchenware and such, do I keep that or sell it? Store it? Is it easier to ship it or to buy a ton of new stuff?

I’ve been ignoring school stuff over the past two days. Not good. Studio project is so different from what I initially wanted to do; I fucking hate what I am doing. I just don’t want to do it. It’s not me. I had this other idea, really into it. I might try to put that together this weekend and show my tutor on Tuesday. This one’s quirky and exciting. That’s what I love doing, eh. Quirky. And the thing is that it’s actually quirky. The two times I’ve done it it’s been original ideas, never seen before. If I could do that forever I’d be thrilled. Would love to make little books and publish them or have them published. Love making books.

Lots of exciting A stuff happening. Boils down to: we aren’t fighting. I think we’re both making an effort and it’s pretty cool. I think I trust him now. It’s because I just can’t be fucked exerting all the energy it takes to not trust someone. He fucked up a really long time ago and it’s way past time to let it go. So I have. And he’s said he’s trying to be different, better, and I can see he is. And I’m trying, too. To not pick fights. I disagree with what he says sometimes but we either talk about it or I sort of fume internally before dropping it. I think we both know that this might be it. Don’t wanna fuck up.

Like I said, I’m very sleepy. I’ve been a bit delirious for about two or three days now. Not sleeping well. I say stuff a lot. And like. And so. And really. Need to extend my vocabulary.

Platform

Back on the Mactop. Man, I wrote a lot yesterday. I don’t think there’s that much to say for today. I managed to get up about half an hour earlier than usual to go to school and put together a crappy InD doc about portfolios. Ended up not even looking at it. I hate that. Our tutor goes mental about us doing research for Theory and we never use it. It is pretty cool seeing physical design portfolios. Some people have amazing ideas and spend amazing amounts of money to get a great result. I might try to do something amazing, too. I don’t have great work right now but maybe one day I will and I’ll have a wicked folio for it to be displayed in.

Getting sick of the class that’s in our room before us eh. They finish at 11:30 and we start at 1:00 but they stay behind and use our computers. Come on, guys, you’re doing the fucking typo magazine! Easy! Seriously, there’s no need to be staying late. They actually sat around talking like we had no idea, too. In one month we’ll be graphic designers. We already are. They were talking shit about how we don’t know jack about the printer. Wow. Even I, NeverAskforHelpSnob, did not act like I knew everything when I started. These are the people who are giving us a bad name, being rude to peers. In this industry you need connections and they’re burning the few that are automatic.

Started work on the ad campaign. Blegh. It’s okay. My annual report’s okay. I’m bored of being okay. I need to make a change to how I’m working. So I stayed late with a friend until about 8:00 doing that. We went to get food around 7:00 and it friggin’ hailed on us. I actually love it. I love shit weather. I didn’t like it much today because I was frozen already, need to buy new winter stuff. But seeing hail on your sleeve, feeling it smack your nose, hearing it hit the ground - it’s amazing. I love rain, too. Though lately I’ve noticed only my boobs get wet and I find it kind of embarrassing.

Yes, I got a reply from the gym people. I can just go back, simple. Start paying fortnightly payments again. I went to Jetts so I might ask if I can just go anywhere in Perth, rather than having to join again over there. Though A’s cousin is a trainer or something, wonder where he works.

My mate from tonight is in a worse situation than mine…She has about four briefs to get done and handed in. I’m thinking by Thursday I’ll be done. I hope she’ll be alright. She had a lot of time off due to a massive car accident. She’s actually come a long way, done heaps of work, it’s impressive.

I cannot wait until the 28th of June. To not have anything to do, yay. I mean there’ll be a lot to do still but I can sleep in. Ohhh, sleeping in, how I miss you.

P.S. Who am I kidding, I can always talk shit.

Goodbye

Tonight I am writing from my desktop. My soon-to-be-sold desktop. That breaks my heart. A built this hunk o’ junk for me back in ‘07 and we’ve been through a lot together. I finally, finally got it legit and I’m being advised, by A, to get rid of it before I move. It’s not worth the cost of shipping. Maybe I’ll have to find more stuff to ship so I can justify the cost.

So yep, I’m definitely moving to Perth. I’ve been a bit up and down about it the last couple of days but I feel better. My tutor mentioned that there are jobs available in graphic design there. I never wanted a GD job because I’m not good enough but I might see if there are Mac op places open. I find that I do pretty well with the technical side of things and it’s just the creative that stumps me. Most of the tutors at my school look down on Mac ops because of that but it sounds good to me.

Another quite long day today. I slept in because I got to sleep around 5:00 but spent the class doing my old briefs. Just one thing to go! However the joint was broken into over the weekend and the printer was broken so I haven’t been able to actually finish stuff. It’s pissing me off. Hopefully it’ll be running tomorrow.

A and I finally talked. I’ve been so bloody scared of being hurt that I sort of just switch off and change the topic when we get close to actually talking. What a relief. I heard some things I didn’t wanna hear but I feel okay, like I can deal with it. I think we’re in a better place now. Just getting stuff off my chest and lifting this tremendous amount of fear off of my shoulders has made me feel so good. As I said before, the fear is why I constantly try to bugger off. Now that a lot of it’s gone I wanna nurture our friendship. I don’t wanna leave. We have a lot of fun when things aren’t so stressful and strained.

I cut my hair. Just a tiny piece of it. My God, after I did it I held it in front of me and just freaked out for a second. I now have a little group of hairs that are about an inch long, compared to how long the rest is which you can see in my DP. I found a knot in it a few days ago and had been trying to untangle it but without luck. So I hacked it off. It looked like there’d been glue streaked through it. Weird.

I hung out with a dude from class this evening. We just stayed late and then walked to the bus stop together and chatted while I waited for my bus. He’s pretty cool. When I first met him I was a bit iffy because he’s very upper class and speaks his mind always. As the course has gone on we’ve gotten to know each other a bit better and I love it. I love getting to know people. It’s scary as shit! But fun. He pulls me aside sometimes to chat because we’re both very shy and nervous and awkward socially. He’s asked if I wanna hang out a couple of times but I’ve gotten out of it. I just almost shit my pants at the idea of going out with a person. There’s so much pressure, to talk, to be nice, whatever. I wanna get past that though because if I don’t I’ll never have any friends. I’m gonna talk to him tomorrow about getting dinner if we both stay late or something. I’m not good at staying in touch with people but I hope he and I keep each other’s numbers and chat every now and then.

EDIT: Okay, I’ve just emailed my old gym about rejoining. I’m a bit pumped right now. I’ve been thinking about going back for a while to get a bit fitter before the holiday in July. It’s probably a bad time to do it considering it’s right at the end of my course but I wanna do it. I’m taking charge of plenty other areas of my life and my health is next. Thinking about a mole map finally, too. And maybe seeing a regular doctor about some lingering issues. I’m just very conscious of money as well and I’m a bit hesitant to do all of this.

EDIT: When A and I were talking we got into a little argument. It sucked. We have little spats all the time and I leave all the time but I don’t think we’ve had a go at each other in quite a while. It suuucked. I asked if he was happy that I was gonna be in Perth and he said sorta. Sorta? Yeah, it made me mad. I know why he said it, ‘cause he’s going through a bunch of shit right now, but still, his best mate living in the same city finally and sorta? I just wanted a bit of enthusiasm, you know? And that’s what I was trying to say but I was mad, like I said, and it came across kind of yuck. I actually started to cry about it. I’m not this person who fights and argues all the time anymore. I love a good fight, but only when it’s necessary. To end up in this situation again was scary and horrible. I don’t want him to think I’m still the kid I used to be. Then in the middle of all of this, he said, “A, I want to be with you too.” For a split second I was so happy. Then I cried even harder. What the hell? The direness of the situation really hit me. We’re so hopeless. I love him, he loves her, I want him, he wants me, we’re apart…Ugh. Messy.

After we talked a little this afternoon I said I know he needs time and I’m gonna drop all of this stuff. For now. I really wanna make this work. Our friendship and whatever else. Last time we, I dunno, were around long enough, what fucked it was my depression. I’ve realised only recently that I need to take care of myself to make relationships with other people work. I never agreed with that old saying, you need to love yourself before you can love others, but viewing it like this, I do. I need to keep working on becoming me, becoming independent, dealing with my own shit, if I wanna make stuff work. When I lived in Perth last time I didn’t even get this concept and just dragged our relationship down because I was so anti-self-progress. I actually feel like I’m worse than shit and I know now that that’s behind a lot of my people problems. I couldn’t trust A to not hurt me because hey, maybe I’m not worth anything other than being hurt. Maybe I deserve it. Friends, family, it’s all the same. I’m shit. I should be treated like shit. However, now, I don’t want that. I want to feel good about myself and feel like I can have the best, and deserve it.

I was thinking about something yesterday. I don’t believe that love should take effort. For a bit I got really upset because what A and I have had has taken so much effort from both of us. But you know what, it’s crap. There’s so much love between us, that’s never been a problem. What has been is all the obstacles. I do think that love requires effort to deal with shit that gets in the way, like being in different places. Gotta make a go of it. I feel like this paragraph is a bit confused.

Sneaky

I didn’t do more homework today. Just…Ugh. I’m gonna try to get up early tomorrow to finish my annual report. Then I’ll stay late at school and try to do the ad campaign. Oh God, I just wanna rest. I burn out really easily. These other people in my class work their butts off, come in early, stay late, are there on weekends, and I crash after a day’s hard work. Man.

So A showed me some FB pics of him doing the softball thing. Fucking hell. He is the hottest thing. I’m like, “Cool, should go see you play.” What I mean is, “I’ve just come and if I ever get to see you play I’ll need to shag you in the bathroom after.” It just isn’t fair. I’m a blob and he’s this…sexy, fit, hot specimen.

Just watched A Goofy Movie. Was expecting it to be bad because all movies from childhood with the exception of The Lion King seem to be bad. It was really funny, I love it. Lots of laughs.

MS-CL

I’ve been trying to go through the TV shows I’ve had saved to my desktop for months or years in some cases. Decided on My So-Called Life today. Pretty impressive that when Jordan kissed Angela she said no and stuck to her morals, rather than saying yes and feeling cheap.

Her dad just said, “It’s really hard to figure out how to be a man.” That’s a cop-out if I ever heard one. It’s really hard to figure out how to be a human. Even then, I don’t think that’s the case most of the time. People naturally know how to be, they just don’t do it. People know not to cheat but they still do it sometimes. It’s not that difficult to not be shitty. Just don’t. Change the situation. The dad guy’s thinking about cheating on his wife. No? If you wanna be with another chick that badly, leave your wife. Because you’re throwing it away anyway, saying it’s worthless.

I have cheated before. Kind of. And because of that experience I will never do it again. (It’s not because I’ve been cheated on, which many say is the reason they would never cheat. Getting cheated on just created other problems.) I should have left the person I was with originally before getting into something else. That’s what everyone should do. Breaking up sucks but it’s a lot better and easier than being cheated on and having to deal with trust issues and self-worth stuff, among other things.

If you spend any part of your life with someone, you must respect them. Respect them enough to be honest and end it, treat them the way they deserve. Then be free to hook up with whoever you want.

Half-Birthday

Yesterday I was 23.5. I can’t believe that’s how old I am. I still feel like I’m a kid in college. I’m more than three years overdue. From a very young age I intended to be ‘gone’ by, or at, 20. Thinking carefully about it, I’m more depressed than I was at any point before I was 20 and yet I want to die much less than I did then. Life is really, really hard but I’m glad I’m still muddling my way through it.

I talked to my sister about the time I tried to kill myself. Weird. I’ve hurt myself a lot (it’s been months now though, yay) but there’s only been one time that I actually set out to commit suicide. Such a strange day. 14 years old, I’d gotten to my dad’s place after school and no one else was home. I was still in my school uniform and MSNing with some close friends. I miss MSN. We decided to have some drinks together. However, what they didn’t know, was that on the way to the kitchen to get all the alcohol in the house, I stopped by the bathroom and downed a pack of Panadol. And then washed it down with all the beer and whatever else I’d found. I think I was already in one of my high moods ‘cause I wasn’t scared or anything, I just went about stuff as usual. My sister told me that it didn’t work because the Panadol manufacturers would never put enough pills in a packet to kill someone. Whatever the reason, I’m glad it didn’t happen.

Maybe I should write a list of things I want for my 24th. Probably vouchers or homey stuff since I’ll be in a new place without a lot of stuff. I’ve been thinking about making a Facebook announcement about the move. I’m a bit stuck about the things I need to do before I go. Sell stuff, find a storage place, pack, look into moving my cat, find a flat or a hostel to stay in while I find one while actually in the new city…A lot of the people on my friends list work in shipping so some input about a company to ship with would be good. I feel like I really need to get a move on (ha) but at the same time I need to focus on school.

This evening I restarted my annual report. I just could not get anywhere when I opened up my old one. I was originally doing Charlie’s Trading Company, now I’m doing Logitech. It’s much simpler. I just wanna get an okay design done so I can print it and mock it up on Monday morning. I think I’m gonna restart my ad campaign, too. Basically the same problem’s coming up. I’m not feeling good about these two but I am making progress. Just wanna get them handed in at this point.

I did a redesign of one of my farms this morning. I wrote about splitting up my animals into prized and adult and I changed things around so that I could split them up on my other farm, too. It took forever but I’m happy with it now. I saw a minimalist farm a while ago and really want to do that with my ones, too, but there’s so much shit hanging about eh. The sewing thing, the bee box, the fertilizer bin, blah blah blah. It looks so cluttered and yuck no matter what I do.

I had the most horrible dream last night. I’m very grateful that I don’t remember much of it now. It began really nicely, A and I were a couple. We were happy. Then he died. I can’t remember how, which is why I’m grateful. It seemed pretty sudden though, I was so upset. Then he died again? In a dream in my dream or something. God. Yeah, horrible. Even though we’ve been apart a lot I’ve never been able to imagine my life with him…gone like that. It’s one thing to be not talking, it’s completely different to know that someone isn’t in the world with you anymore. So scary.

I emailed him earlier about how I feel, what I want, all that crap. He said he wanted to reply when he had a bit of time free but I really don’t want him to. I mean, right now he could be with his ex becoming not exes again. I haven’t had a happy email from him in a long time, but I need the sad and bad ones to stop, too. I feel better knowing I’ve said my piece but I know where he stands and I don’t need to hear it again. It took so much to send the email hey. Scared out of my mind. I feel sick just thinking about it now. I feel sick thinking it was a Saturday when he got back together with his ex, too. Ugh. I know we’re up and down like a nonstop roller coaster but if he goes back there another time I know in my heart I’ll have to pull the plug for good. Ew.

BJ’D

Ha. I made a funny title. I’m watching Bridget Jones’s Diary. Maybe not the best of choices. At least one of us gets a happy ending. With the hottest guy, so cute he is. I dunno, I’m committing. Committing to feeling better. Yay. I’m gonna be a mess again soon enough. I wouldn’t mind a drink or few but it’s cold and I’m lazy.

EDIT: Enjoying the movie, laughing lots. I tried reading the book a while ago but was so bored. And it’s written in the form of her diary entries which drove me nuts. Great movie.

New

Okay new entry because I got around to moving some more stuff from the old bloggy and that’s on top of the one I was writing in before. Lazy me. It’s absolutely freezing. The phrase ‘freezing your tits off’ was never more fitting. I’ve never said it before. I don’t have many windows in my place with stays or whatever they’re called, so I try to always keep the few that have them open. One is right next to my bed. Boo. Right next to that window is my sister’s heat pump thing which is spitting out cold air. This sucks.

I cleaned up my room finally. I’ve been getting clothes out of washing baskets and off the couch and off the floor for months. At least I always put dirty stuff into the laundry thing so it’s not gross. Yeah, my room has floor space again now. It looks weird. There’s a big chest next to my bed and it has my lamp and a book on it. It usually has heaps of crap on it and it’s odd to see it bare.

When I move I’m gonna have nothing, haha. I don’t know if I wanna ship stuff. If I do I’m gonna send over my desktop that way, this big, cushy chair I have and…that’s it? I think. That’s not worth it. I’ll probably find more big things when I go through my junk. Not sure how to get the desktop there.

Having an issue with my clothes lately. They smell. Not all of them, but a few key pieces that I used to wear all the time. I don’t know what the smell is. Dad thought it was cat pee but now says they were probably left damp for too long one time. I mean, I’d pick up my favourite shirt to wear and just putting my head in it would make me wanna run away. So that’s in the bin now. I chucked out a few other garments, too. Right after that everything started to smell like seawater! What the fuck! I need to go buy stuff for Queenstown so I might dissect my clothes and just start over. I always avoid that because I’m not the size I wanna be, but realistically I haven’t been that size in years and it’ll probably be a while before I am again. Yay, clothes shopping…I’m so unhappy with my clothes. I don’t want much, just to be comfy. Even that’s a hard ask. Wanna chuck out stuff that fits badly or I feel yuck in. Buy some nice, casual tops and some decent jeans. Dunno what to buy for the snow…

I had the most brilliant idea for my farm earlier. To create a separate pen for prized animals. My farms were filling up with prized-out animals and I couldn’t get any babies so for a while I just shoved them all into the inventory. New rule is that I’ll have one of each animal prized. I’m sure that’ll get complicated too considering how many different types of everything there are. This is gonna make things much easier.

I don’t wanna go to sleep yet. Might move more entries. I’m dying to get to the ones that have pictures so I can play with them. Got a ton of text-only posts first. Ew.