Okay I’m gonna really try to write a decent entry! I’ve just been feeling pretty down lately and whenever I wanna write it seems I have a lack of energy. This sort of applies to most areas of my life.
I didn’t get up this morning. I couldn’t believe it. I forgot to set my alarms and woke up after 1pm. Oops. Was a bit sad because the guy had sent a lovely, sexy email and by the time I read it and replied to it he was off with his day. Boo.
My day started with (not Farmville!) cleaning my fridge. I’m a pretty damn lazy chick and there’ve been gross puddles of leaked Coke and crumbs on the shelves for months. Possibly years. Oh, I lied. It started with dishes. I had a bit of an ant invasion during the week and didn’t have time to clean it up, so I did that. Dishes were covered in them, too. Looks very nice now though. While I had the soapy water out I decided to do the fridge ‘cause there’s a huge sticker inside of it that says only clean it with soapy water. Tick. I have no food now.
New paragraph. I have no food now. I chucked out anything that had expired (jam, sad) and any leftover takeout food. I should do this with the freezer and pantry as well. It’s only been a couple of days but I’ve been eating a bit better. It’s tough. All I know is Coke and takeout. I haven’t cooked yet ‘cause I’m scared to. I’m scared to go to the supermarket and make decisions. I don’t know how to cook so how the heck do I choose what to get? Anyway, there’s a great sushi place near school and they sell these yummy bowls of stuff for $5. I’ve had a couple of those and then for dinner I’ve had a frozen meal. I think I need to stop forgetting to eat. It gets to the point of I’m starving but lazy/busy so I end up forgetting. And I haven’t had Coke! Just water. I’m secretly doing a month of healthy. Was gonna start on Wednesday and do 12th - 12th since we go away on the 13th. But I didn’t. Started Thursday. Just need to incorporate my leering gym membership now.
School’s stressful. I missed the studio project deadline. I really tried in the days leading up to it but it wasn’t enough. I dunno where that surge of motivation came from. I’m still feeling it a little bit as we just have two weeks left and I have a lot to do, but today I did nothing. My tutor keeps going on about handing stuff in and I’m finally really trying my hardest to get it all done. Him going on about it constantly makes it harder though. It minimises my motivation. It makes me feel shitty. I’m determined to get it done though.
What else did I do today…I played Farmville after I cleaned up the kitchen. I’m not over it exactly but with school and needing to start with the moving stuff I don’t have the energy to get it done. They want you to grow heaps of shit to earn medals, help Walter with a bunch of tasks, train a damn horse, get cowbells…It’s never-ending, you know?
A and I have been in a tough spot lately. I was so heartbroken that it happened so quickly. Few weeks of absolutely amazingness and then, not. I was still fine but he started feeling iffy and scared. He doesn’t wanna be in an online relationship and he’s scared I’m gonna hurt him. By leaving I guess. I get it, it sucks. I don’t wanna be doing stuff long-distance either. I think we need to do it though. It’s about three months until I get to Perth. We need to make this effort in this crappy situation for just that little amount of time, and then it’s over. We can do things right and be happier.
I actually had quite a bad day today. His being scared has led to a distance between us. We talked it out last night and I think it’s gonna be better now, at least a little. But this distance has led to fear in me. He cheated on me a long time ago, and he’s sort of played around with me much more recently. It’s the only hesitation I have with him. I wanna be like, “Yep, it was a long time ago, let’s move on. And he only messes around with me, ‘cause we’re different together.” I just don’t know. I’m freaking out because I’m moving to Perth and I wanna be with him when I’m there. But like…it’s so bloody scary because I don’t know if this is gonna happen again.
I think that’s the thing though. I don’t know. I can’t say no he’s not gonna do it and I can’t say yes he is gonna do it. I do think we’re different together though, we’re strong, we’re special. I think as long as we’re happy and trying, it’ll be fine. The only time I worry about it is when we’re not doing so well. That’s been when he’s played around. I feel a bit of pressure to be perfect all the time though so he doesn’t feel a need to look around. I don’t wanna feel that. I wanna feel like even if we have a bad day or a bad week he’s not gonna try to distract himself with other girls.
I wish I didn’t think like this. I spent most of today really upset about it. I’m alright now, I think it’s stupid to think about the what-if kind of stuff. When it’s bad anyway. I need to work on myself, become more confident in who I am, because that’s probably a big part of it. I feel like I’m not enough. I’m not there and I’m ugly and yeah. I just wanna be me, and have that be alright, be enough.
We aren’t in a relationship yet. I’m totally fine with whatever. He can say he loves me, or not. We can Skype, or not. I’ve been kind of crap this week ‘cause he’s been distant and I like to talk shit out rather than let it go on, but yeah. I still feel mostly carefree and good about us. I wish there was an easy way to get past the crappy stuff. I wish he wasn’t scared of me leaving, I wish I wasn’t scared of him cheating. Not that it would be cheating I guess. Ew.
I’m starting with melatonin tonight. Gonna take it around midnight ‘cause I need to get up around 8:30. Got a couple of hours to watch some TV shows or a movie.
EDIT: I think I might have said this already but I can’t remember. My memory gets even worse with Tumblr. I’m getting so close to the time when I need to start sorting stuff out for Perth and I’m getting really scared. Crystal ball please?
EDIT: This sucks. For a while now he’s been just disappearing for hours which I’m generally okay with, he needs to do his own stuff. Finding out he’s still been communicating with anyone but me is the shit part. I don’t get it. He says he’ll try but doesn’t, or has a weird way of trying. I just need him to make an effort now because I need something to actually stay for, you know? To move for. Otherwise when I have moved there won’t be a chance. This is just totally crap. I wish I was the one who cared less. Not really. Wouldn’t hurt so much though. He said he was scared of my rejection so he just constantly rejects me? Sucks.